Self-esteem is surrounded by numerous myths
and misunderstandings. So let’s begin by clearly understanding what we are
going to know about self-esteem in this article. Self-esteem is defined as a ‘realistic’,
‘appreciative’ opinion of himself. Realistic means that we are dealing in the
truth, fully aware of our strengths, weaknesses and everything in between
accurately and honestly. Appreciative, means that overall we have good feelings
about the person we see. You’ll get a sense of what appreciative means, if you
think of a friend who knows you well and cherishes you, recognizing that there
is more to you than your faults.
Healthy self-esteem is the belief that
one is as worthwhile as anyone else, but not more so. On one side, we feel a
quiet happiness to be what we are and a sense of self respect that comes from
realizing that we share what all humans possess, inherent worth. On the other
side, those with selfesteem remain humble, realizing that everyone has much to
learn and that we are all really in the same boat. We need not to be arrogant
or boastful, also no need to think that we are more worthwhile as a person than
others or more skillful or important than we actually are.
Self-esteem is not the same as to
becoming self-centered, selfabsorbed, or selfish. The person who feels whole
and secure in him- or herself is freer to be selfless. It is theoretically
possible that a criminal has high self-esteem. But recent study revealed that aggressive,
rebellious youngsters were more likely to have been bullied, feel rejected,
unhappy, and unloved, and have a poor self-image than less aggressive children.
Therefore, it is important to differentiate the outer appearance of confidence
from the quiet, steady, inner happiness that describes self-esteem. Self-esteem
is also not complacency and overconfidence, both of which lead us to the
failures. Actually, self-esteem is a strong stimulus to work hard.
The Foundation Factors of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem based on three important factors
which we called foundation factors of self-esteem. The first, unconditional
worth, the second unconditional love and the third is growth.
First Factor: The Unconditional Worth
A basic need is that all people have
equal, vast, unchangeable inherent worth as a person. This worth as a person is
neither earned nor increased or reduced by external factors, such as the way
people treat you, bad decisions, or variations balance of your bank account. The
assumption of equal worth as a person is not a new one, and it can be quite
empowering. Even very bright people may struggle with the concept, that inner
worth can rise or fall with performance or circumstances. We can visualize a
spherical crystal; whose surfaces refract light so beautifully. The crystal
represents the core worth of each person. All sides of the crystal represent an
attribute required for living well and each side may be polished and refined as
you develop.
The Externals
Externals are circumstances or outer
events that can modify the way we experience our worth but it does not change
our worth. Certain externals or experiences can camouflage or hide one’s core
worth, like haze or a dark cloud that surrounds and confuses it. Externals, whether
good or bad, are not the core. Externals include the state of one’s body
(appearance, strength, and health), economic status, race, age, gender, job
title, awards, promotions, adversity, family or relationship (marriage or
dating status, functioning level of family, number of children), and control
over events. It can be difficult to separate core worth from externals when the
media suggests that one is less than worthwhile if one isn’t wealthy, powerful,
young, and beautiful. Sometimes very bright people have difficulty separating
inner worth from externals. They ask how someone can have worth when they are
not valued by others or when they feel so worthless.
Once we are sure of our equal inherent
worth, then we are relieved of the need to compete in order to establish worth.
We are less inclined to judge ourselves and compare ourselves to others. In
short, we become more secure in our own worth, and thus in ourselves and as we
look back over our lives and remember the ways we have contributed to the
well-being of ourselves and others, in any way large or small, we are reminded
that no one is worthless.
Second Factor: The Unconditional Love
The psychologist believes that without
love psychological health not possible which is essential for the core. The children
with self-esteem must have loving parents. Their parents show interest in the lives
of children, they treat them with respect, they encourage and support them as
they struggle to attain high standards, and care about them enough to set
reasonable limits. Now here the question arises that what is love? love is a
feeling that we experience, love is the attitude that wants what is best for
the beloved at each and every moment, love is a decision and commitment made
each day and lastly love is a skill that we learn.
Third Factor: The Growth
When we are living constructively mean making
reasonable decisions, developing desirable attributes, and polishing the rough
edges around the core, we tend to feel better about ourselves. Therefor this
third factor is the process of completing, coming to flower, or putting love
into action. Growth is a process and a direction, not reaching a destination.
Growth helps us to experience it with greater satisfaction but it does not
change our core worth. The inner core can grow even as the body ages or becomes
infirm. We grow as we try to lift others along with ourselves, as we develop in
character and personality, and as we discover ways to enjoy wholesome
pleasures.
Let’s Start with the End in Mind
1. Self-esteem
is a quiet and relatively unshakeable sense of satisfaction that comes from
recognizing and appreciating our existing worth, and then choosing to love and
grow.
2. Self-esteem
is not competitive and comparative. We do not acquire worth by outshining
others.
3. We
have learned to recognize and experience our worth.
4. Self-esteem
does not boast or put others down, rather, one with self-esteem considers the
well-being of others as well as the well-being of oneself.
5. Self-esteem
can be built through persistent effort. The building process is one that
involves seeing clearly, loving, and developing.